Suburbia

It's been near 2 full months that I've resided in suburbia, yet I haven't yet begun to wrap my head around that which Suburban Dwellers (by choice rather than by financial straights) prioritize.  From what I can observe the top suburban must haves are:

4.  Designer Rain wear.  Simple, hard-ware store purchased umbrellas and dealing with wet sneakers until safely inside one's two-story, picket fenced home is a thing of the past.  Women and men alike open their Coach Umbrellas and struggle to pull their Burberry wellies over their well-exercised calves.  Those that can not afford to buy the stylish trench coats that may actually be flattering enough to justify the exorbitant splurge choose, instead, to settle for the $150 rain accessories.  Nothing says, "I am SO ready for this nasty weather," like a pair of brown plaid rain boots that make even the sveltest of humans to walk like a platypus.  Inflation may make fresh fruit a financial pipe-dream and toilet paper a luxury...but an ugly umbrella is forever.

3.  High Gas Bills.  The gas tank is the new metaphorical fish- My gas bill was THIS big is the new phrase du jour.  Suburbanites trade fill-up price stories as if they were battle scars.  Each wincing at the escalating exasperation of the cost of gas and the unfathomability of existing without such a beastly vehicle.  Very few of these people, it should be noted, feel that they are restricted to the lines in parking lots.  The hugeness of their cars justifies the complete inability to park correctly.  

2.  Pink and Green.  Lily Pulitzer is a disease that has infected much of the female population of upper-middle class suburbia.  Epidemic in proportion, Lily has somehow made cotton-candy pink and lime green stylish.   Her methods must ring of those of Scientology- convincing those on the Inside (wearing ridiculous clothes) that they are in fact better than those that are on the Outside (laughing at you wearing those ridiculous clothes).  I can only imagine the glare that emanates from these people's closets, neutral colors are highly discouraged and non-capri pants are SO blase.  

1.  Identity Theft.  Ask many a suburbanite, "how are you?" They will respond with, "Great, Bobby just started sailing lessons and Susie and learning how to ride without training wheels.  From the amount I drive around you would think I was a cabbie..."  It's as if being yourself is not enough- being Super Parent is far more 'worthy' an existence.  Their huge SUVs (poorly parked, obviously) are SuperParenthood accessories and non-kid focused conversations are redirected immediately back.   Upon high school graduation of their last child, the adults resume their own existance- unless of course his/her precious one happens to go to a Well Known University, then it is obligatory for said parent to drop in references to the school at the most awkward of moments.